Jon Thysell

Father. Engineer. Retro games. Ukuleles. Nerd.

Tag: wedding

My Vows to Anne

By the time this post is published, I’ll have made the happiest decision in my life, saying “I do” and marrying my girlfriend Anne. We had a small, intimate wedding, and wrote our own vows (well, really the whole ceremony, but what do you expect from two people who met because of National Novel Writing Month?) Anyway, this is what I wrote:

Anne, what we have is built on trust, love, and understanding. Trust that our love will overcome any passing strife in our lives, trust that we can hold hands even as we butt heads.

We understand one another, and though others may look at us and tilt their heads or raise an eyebrow, we know we’re better together than apart.

Side by side, back to back, or even facing off – I trust that we’ll always come out the other side together, ready to face whatever lies ahead. With love, respect, and a little bit of elbow grease, we can handle everything life throws at us, from the little to the large.

Sickness and stubbed toes – we’ll make it through.

Boobercuts and random sleep interrogations – we’ll make it through.

Dragons, zombies, and alien invaders – we’ll make it through.

Yes, mortgage payments, homeowners’ associations, and even tricksy little children – I know we’ll make it through those too.

I promise to love you and to stand by your side, to always have your back and to catch you when you fall. These are my vows to you.

I told you once you’re the girl who’s got it going on, who knows the difference between Romulan and Klingon. I’m so lucky to wake up each day next to the hot geeky girl of my dreams.

Anne, I love you more than any words I could ever say. It’s an honor, privilege, and joy to stand here with you today, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of our lives together.

And if that’s not enough, here’s a shiny ring.

Even with such a “small” wedding, it’s been a whirlwind to get this through the gate. I just thought I’d take a moment here to loudly and proudly shout that I am the luckiest man on Earth. I love you Anne!

/jon

Taoism and the role of human institutions

Every human institution can be broken down into two parts: its inward, primary essence and its outward, secondary accouterments. Learning to distinguish between these primary and secondary things is an important skill for Taoists.

In our society, the essence of any institution is much more important than the physical trappings that surround it. Chuangtse says:

The primary things should stand at the top and secondary things stand at the bottom.

The text gives several examples of institutions and their secondary things, such as the mourning of the dead:

Weeping and mourning and the wearing of hemp clothes and hemp hemming and the gradations in the length of mourning are secondary things in the expression of sorrow.

Though reflecting the ancient Chinese culture of the text’s origin, we can make clear parallels to the modern Western institution of mourning. Here, the wearing of black clothes, the funeral, the wake, all of these things are secondary when mourning the dead: the important, primary thing is the expression of sorrow.

On the other end of the spectrum, an example can be made of the institution of marriage. On one level we have two people committing their love to a stronger relationship, and the joining of two families. On another we have the costumes, the rings, the cake, the registry, the party, the dancing, and the ceremony. Which of the two groups is more important?

The difference is the thing and its representation. Love and commitment are the primary essence of marriage; the rings, which only represent that love and commitment, are secondary accouterments. Accouterments that aren’t instinctual:

These … secondary things require the employment of the mind and conscious planning before they can be carried out.

There is a broader Taoist thread against such materialism, something I mentioned in passing when I asserted that Taoists value direct experience over formal education. While the primary things are often emotional, experiential, and culturally agnostic (like love), the secondary things are often material, learned, and culturally specific (like the exchange of rings).

The secondary things don’t come to us naturally; such traditions are passed down from generation to generation by education, often in the form of stories. Can anyone deny the influence of fairy tales and childhood stories on our expectations of wedding ceremonies? On the whole institution of marriage?

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t to say that our traditions, these seemingly unessential secondary things, are altogether bad. They don’t need to be discarded, just not put at the forefront of our minds:

The ancients had this body of the unessential knowledge, but they did not put it first…

This “unessential knowledge” helps define a culture, and is a part of all human societies. Problems only arise when those secondary things are held with higher importance than the primary essences which they represent.

We know this to be true, in mourning, love, and even telling stories: that when we follow traditions for traditions’ sake, and only “go through the motions”, we risk losing what’s really important.

A marriage without a strong sense of love and commitment won’t last, no matter how lavish and perfect the ceremony. Without true sorrow, going to a funeral and wearing black and acting somber is just that: acting.

We see this often in religious ceremony, and we all know people who only go through the motions. Remember, the moral values of a religion are more important than the details of their ceremonies; the meaning behind the teachings more important than the teachings themselves.

We need the secondary things because they’re an easy shorthand for us to express ourselves, and to teach our values to our children. They’re loose outlines and reminders of what’s really important in our lives. Taoism can’t and doesn’t require the elimination of such accouterments; it only asks that people understand that they are in fact secondary, and to not elevate their importance beyond the essential things which they represent.


An earlier draft of this article was originally published February 01, 2008 under a former pseudonym of mine. I rescued it with WXR to HTML, and I present it here revised and expanded.

/jon